Another Reason to Hate Christmas

Tomorrow I finish off my antibiotics. My doctor is out of town for ten days. I feel like crap and I'm filled with depression. Why? Well, let's do a little experiment here. Take your index finger (or your little finger if you prefer) and stick it in your right ear. Make sure that you stick it in far enough that when you speak, all you can hear in that ear is a loud vibration that sounds like your voice. And also make sure your finger nail is all jagged and rough so that it scratches up the inside of your ear really good.

Now, leave it there for three months.

What did you get for Christmas? I got an ear infection. It was the perfect gift, really - it's a gift that just keeps on giving. Why didn't I think of that? Talk about making a lasting impression. The wonderful medical profession is a lot of help. If you're lucky, you can get an appoinment before an appendage completely falls off, and then when you finally get there, the doctors look at you with glass eyes and write down something someone quoted from a text book, and send you home to suffer on your own damn time.

Fungus is not my friend. It does not want to leave. Funny how the ear drops I was originally prescribed only served to make matters worse. Keeping the fungus moist and warm is such a great idea - it really helps it to thrive. What better approach to treatment than to involve the ENTIRE ear?

I cherish my hearing, which is probably why I miss it so much. It would be one thing if I couldn't hear anything at all, but as it is, I can hear myself breathe, sniffle and whatever other sounds come through my throat. Not only that, but I can hear my blood pulsating through some nearby artery. And it has been four days since my doctor said, "I have a feeling it's going to get better." He has a feeling? I don't go to the doctor for his feelings, I go for an experienced, professional, medical opinion, based on careful observation of prior cases, coupled with a genuine examination of all the signs and symptoms at hand.

It especially doesn't sit well with me, considering the first diagnosis was flat out wrong.

I had a fungal infection. I have a fungal infection. One that won't go away. Why won't it go away? Because I have another bacterial infection that is causing the ear to ooze, which keeps it nice and wet in there (not to mention this is the rainy season), which makes the fungus hang on. To top things off, now that the antibiotics have done their job on the bacteria, the fungus now has free reign, because even the good bacteria is not around to help out.

The odd thing is, my stools are in better shape than they were before this all happened, which makes me thing I had something else going on - some bad bug living in my gut, perhaps. But that's another story. I wouldn't call it a silver lining - maybe more like a brown one. But it is the good news.

I think.

All around, it is a wake-up call. I need to get into better shape. I need to boost my immune system - eat better, sleep regularly, exercise, blah, blah, blah - all the stuff we all know we need to do. I couldn't even enjoy the nice weather today, or the karoke (sp?) the other night. I can't even remember the last time I felt like having sex. And, in just a few minutes, it will be Monday.

Shit.

Well, I better get off to bed. I have to check on my casket in the morning to make sure they ordered the right one. I figured I'd conduct my own memorial service - get it over with in advance. I might even arrange to actually die after giving a speech. That way, nobody could sit there wondering, "what would Bill say if he were here?" Well, I know what my last words probably would be.

"Man, that hurts!"

Oh, and have a nice day.